Have lots of other things to write about that I haven't had the time to post, but this, this can't wait because I feel my head is going to explode.
You know when you know that you've got your life together, that you couldn't ask for anything more, and that everything around you is positive and bright? You feel like you've got your pulse on the secret of the universe, and you float by knowing that things are going to be alright. And really, really it is some form of communion. One that indeed should be treated delicately because it is a relationship so precious and fragile.
And yet...it feels empty somehow.
The Unbearable Lightness of Being.
Lightness can be exhilirating, yes. But it can be excruciating, too. You have to experience it before you can admit it. Being weightless and formless sometimes makes us lose the touchstones and footholds in our lives, forming an existence that is far-removed and distant from the rest of the heavy world, which, in our highest of highs we can so wrongfully scorn. A life that is without consequence can become dangerously a life without responsibility, a guiltless existence centered on the "I".
I can't remember who said it, about choosing between a happy life and a meaningful life. To be happy means to live in the present. It is an extremely beautiful and enjoyable experience; it makes you feel that you can do everything you could ever dream of, and nothing, NOTHING can stand in your way. You just are. And you're happy.
A life that is meaningful, on the other hand, is when you worry about the past and the future, about impacts and consequences, about other people. There's a certain heaviness about it that can't be shaken off.
So which life would you choose?
I value lightness, that feeling of being present, of being one with every particle of the universe. I have shared and preached about how wonderful and liberating it can be.
But I have also come to value the chains that bind me to this wretched world. Strangely, those chains also give me a distinct, sometimes even sharper sense of freedom.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Now it can be told Part 2
Okay, loooooong overdue continuation. Lots of stuff happening right now, my typing can't seem to keep up, so...ganito na lang.
Second day sucked bigtime. I didn't kill Mark, but I swore if I didn't pass I'd pin him down. Hehe.
Third day was alright. I finished before lunch I think, and waited for Edison to get out of the room (he did, about an hour later? Kamusta naman ang pag-maximize ng oras.). We took post-exam photos while waiting. I went back to work right after. How dull is that?
Friday, one day after the exam. To my chagrin, I realized I didn't feel relief at all at having finished the exam, but the sudden terror of waiting. If we were to believe PRC, the results would come out no later than two days after the exam. So would it be coming out today? Or tomorrow? Does the PRC issue results on weekends? Or would it come out on Monday? In that case, I'd be experiencing several more days of agony. Shet.
That evening Mark and I decided to watch a movie. For the life of me I can no longer remember what was playing, but I remember that near the end, I got a text from Chris saying "Congratz!"
I found myself shaking. I asked him, "totoo ba 'to?!" He replied, "Assuming...psychic ako a few seconds ago..."
Well thanks Chris, your reply left me completely befuddled!
At this point my head was spinning, and expanding so fast, all the air inside wanting to come up and out of the my scalp. It was ready to burst. Then came texts from Lorenzo and Agnes, and I wanted to get out of the cinema right then. But we finished the movie anyway.
After the movie I called up all concerned people to confirm or deny. Everyone seemed so sure, everyone except Len, Edison and me aka the exam takers. Vir was MIA.
But hey, they said so...right? So I hugged a gloating Mark ("Sabi ko naman papasa ka di ba. Tsk, pano ba yan, tama na naman ako...") and off we went to the church in Greenbelt, to say a little prayer of thanks.
Saturday, I woke up. With a nagging feeling.
Did I really pass? I had no proof. No proof!! Just words from other people who reportedly saw the list. Trustworthy though they may be, what if they made the honest mistake of misreading someone else's name for mine?? (Although in hindsight this would be nearly impossible, no one else has my name. No one.) Gaaaark. I shot out of bed and texted Mark and Edison. Mark scolded me. Edison, who possesses almost the same level of paranoia as I, succeeded in easily feeding the fear. I persuaded him to pester the source of information - his professor, Dr Bravo. After much hemming and hawing, he asked the dreaded question. To which he finally got an answer, straight from the horse's mouth. Dr Bravo got the list from PRC itself.
The list from PRC can't be wrong, and a distinguished professor couldn't be rattling off names if they weren't actually there, so I guess it was time to truly celebrate. We rounded up the gang and met up at Glorietta for lunch and then some - which included wacky puzzle-solving (yes, for nerdoids like us this is fun), free coffee at Seattle's and a spontaneous trip to Manila Zoo! Good times. :)
Sunday, early morning I woke up to the sound of my ringing phone. It took several rings to realize that someone was actually calling me. Agnes. "Hello?" (uy bedroom voice).
"Cooongrraaaaaats!" she was squealing. "I'm proud of youuuuuu!" Huh?
"Huh?"
"Congrats! Top 2 ka!"
"Whaaaaat?"
"Top 2 kaaaaa!!!"
I leapt off the bed for the second time in three days and rushed out to buy a copy of Manila Bulletin (the only time this newspaper is actually worth its price), flipping through the pages until I found an almost inconspicuous article about a little known group of people dreaming to change the world (Huwaaaw pare hebigat).
The rest, of course, is history.
And no, I didn't deliver any speech. The #1 did, naturally, and he seemed nervous! To think he's been speaking in front of audiences for ages (he's one of our professors). It was adoringly cute. As for me, I said the opening prayer. I sped through it like the world was coming to an end and I had to get out fast. 30 seconds of fame/shame, basically.
***
So...thanks to all who were and continue to be with me in this amazing journey. Thanks to everyone who took those baby steps with me, and are poised to take gradually larger steps, leaps and bounds even, to where our collectve dream lies. To Mark, my baby, my infinite thanks are not enough. To Len, Edison and Vir, it's crazy to think how we've managed to hurdle this! Agnes (last year's topnotcher, by the way), you probably would never get to read this, but thanks for your openness and big heart, and for being a friend, after all. ;)
To Chris, Lorenzo, Bonets, and all the other SURPees out there, take the exam, when you can, despite your fears and with all the faith you can muster. Make the commitment. Live your passion.
Second day sucked bigtime. I didn't kill Mark, but I swore if I didn't pass I'd pin him down. Hehe.
Third day was alright. I finished before lunch I think, and waited for Edison to get out of the room (he did, about an hour later? Kamusta naman ang pag-maximize ng oras.). We took post-exam photos while waiting. I went back to work right after. How dull is that?
Friday, one day after the exam. To my chagrin, I realized I didn't feel relief at all at having finished the exam, but the sudden terror of waiting. If we were to believe PRC, the results would come out no later than two days after the exam. So would it be coming out today? Or tomorrow? Does the PRC issue results on weekends? Or would it come out on Monday? In that case, I'd be experiencing several more days of agony. Shet.
That evening Mark and I decided to watch a movie. For the life of me I can no longer remember what was playing, but I remember that near the end, I got a text from Chris saying "Congratz!"
I found myself shaking. I asked him, "totoo ba 'to?!" He replied, "Assuming...psychic ako a few seconds ago..."
Well thanks Chris, your reply left me completely befuddled!
At this point my head was spinning, and expanding so fast, all the air inside wanting to come up and out of the my scalp. It was ready to burst. Then came texts from Lorenzo and Agnes, and I wanted to get out of the cinema right then. But we finished the movie anyway.
After the movie I called up all concerned people to confirm or deny. Everyone seemed so sure, everyone except Len, Edison and me aka the exam takers. Vir was MIA.
But hey, they said so...right? So I hugged a gloating Mark ("Sabi ko naman papasa ka di ba. Tsk, pano ba yan, tama na naman ako...") and off we went to the church in Greenbelt, to say a little prayer of thanks.
Saturday, I woke up. With a nagging feeling.
Did I really pass? I had no proof. No proof!! Just words from other people who reportedly saw the list. Trustworthy though they may be, what if they made the honest mistake of misreading someone else's name for mine?? (Although in hindsight this would be nearly impossible, no one else has my name. No one.) Gaaaark. I shot out of bed and texted Mark and Edison. Mark scolded me. Edison, who possesses almost the same level of paranoia as I, succeeded in easily feeding the fear. I persuaded him to pester the source of information - his professor, Dr Bravo. After much hemming and hawing, he asked the dreaded question. To which he finally got an answer, straight from the horse's mouth. Dr Bravo got the list from PRC itself.
The list from PRC can't be wrong, and a distinguished professor couldn't be rattling off names if they weren't actually there, so I guess it was time to truly celebrate. We rounded up the gang and met up at Glorietta for lunch and then some - which included wacky puzzle-solving (yes, for nerdoids like us this is fun), free coffee at Seattle's and a spontaneous trip to Manila Zoo! Good times. :)
Sunday, early morning I woke up to the sound of my ringing phone. It took several rings to realize that someone was actually calling me. Agnes. "Hello?" (uy bedroom voice).
"Cooongrraaaaaats!" she was squealing. "I'm proud of youuuuuu!" Huh?
"Huh?"
"Congrats! Top 2 ka!"
"Whaaaaat?"
"Top 2 kaaaaa!!!"
I leapt off the bed for the second time in three days and rushed out to buy a copy of Manila Bulletin (the only time this newspaper is actually worth its price), flipping through the pages until I found an almost inconspicuous article about a little known group of people dreaming to change the world (Huwaaaw pare hebigat).
The rest, of course, is history.
And no, I didn't deliver any speech. The #1 did, naturally, and he seemed nervous! To think he's been speaking in front of audiences for ages (he's one of our professors). It was adoringly cute. As for me, I said the opening prayer. I sped through it like the world was coming to an end and I had to get out fast. 30 seconds of fame/shame, basically.
***
So...thanks to all who were and continue to be with me in this amazing journey. Thanks to everyone who took those baby steps with me, and are poised to take gradually larger steps, leaps and bounds even, to where our collectve dream lies. To Mark, my baby, my infinite thanks are not enough. To Len, Edison and Vir, it's crazy to think how we've managed to hurdle this! Agnes (last year's topnotcher, by the way), you probably would never get to read this, but thanks for your openness and big heart, and for being a friend, after all. ;)
To Chris, Lorenzo, Bonets, and all the other SURPees out there, take the exam, when you can, despite your fears and with all the faith you can muster. Make the commitment. Live your passion.
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